June
2006
i hate you1
I hate you for making me feel so uncertain about
so many things that I did not use to question.
I hate you for making me assume
so many unrealistically wonderful thoughts about us.
I hate you for letting me think of and analyze
even the most absurd things.
I hate you for making me set utopian expectations
about tomorrow.
I hate you for making me an eternal prisoner
of my own selfish dreams.
I hate you for teaching me that the greatest potential
for joy has the greatest potential for pain.
I hate you for letting me suffer without you knowing
the torture that I have been undergoing just because of you.
I hate you for giving me a blissful experience,
and making me yearn for it.
I hate you for unconsciously showing me
my unknown weaknesses.
I hate you for making me realize that my life—
that I once thought is stable—is the exact opposite
of stability.
I hate you because you are the only one who can
control me, effortlessly make me depressed,
or euphoric—or both at the same time—whatever
you want me to feel.
I hate you for making me lost—mentally pensive
and deafeningly speechless—in the midst of a casual
conversation.
I hate you for making every vital part of me
drastically weak.
I hate you for making me obsessively dependent
on your existence.
I hate you for being able to see the real you and
perpetually appreciating your essence.
I hate you for making me crave for your soft voice,
your expressive eyes and long eyelashes,
the delicate curves of your face,
the unpredictable contours of your body.
I hate you for having that pleasant smile,
that high-spirited laugh, that heart-stopping facial reflexes.
I hate you for making me miss every part of you.
I hate you for keeping me worried about you even
if you seem to disregard my presence.
I hate you for magnifying my need to be loved
without actually loving me.
I hate you for making me emotionally connected with you.
Without fully realizing it immediately.
Without preparing for something I did not expect.
Without enough energy for avoiding the undeniable truth.
I hate you for not seeing the light while I already
dropped the lucid signs.
I hate you for fearing the endless possibilities if
we spend the rest of our lives together.
I hate you for hindering the chance of feeling
love in its truest sense.
I hate you for triggering my pessimistic side and
slapping me the truth that I cannot obtain the
priceless things I always wanted but will never be mine.
I hate you for not giving me the assurance that you
love me back.
I hate you for making me feel a strong but
one-directional feeling.
I hate you for making me realize that life is brutally unfair.
I hate you for making me feel this weird hatred that I could
not hurt you.
I hate you for making me weak, helpless and stupid.
I hate you because I can do nothing but hurt myself more.
I hate you. Very much.
–copyright
